I am an investor, not a lover?

I am writing to you with a heavy heart and a very light wallet. I am a man who believes in supporting his woman. For the past year, I have been the ‘Board of Directors’ for a lady in Lilongwe.

I paid her rent in Area 47, I settled her school fees and I even upgraded her phone to the latest iPhone so we could FaceTime in HD. But Biggie, the HD has shown me things I didn’t want to see. I noticed she started hiding her WhatsApp Status from me.

Being a clever man, I used my younger brother’s phone to check her status. I saw her at a lake resort in Mangochi, wearing a swimsuit I didn’t buy, sipping a cocktail I didn’t pay for and the hand holding the glass had a ring that definitely didn’t come from me. When I asked her, she told me it was a corporate team-building exercise and the ring was just fashion jewelrY to keep men away.

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But Biggie, I saw a reflection in her sunglasses of a man who looks suspiciously like a well-known tycoon. I am confused. Should I stop paying the rent?

Or should I believe in the team-building story and wait for the dividend of her love? I have read your letter three times, and each time I am left wondering how you manage to cross the road safely without an adult holding your hand. You call yourself an investor?

My dear friend, you are not an investor. An investor expects a Return on Investment (ROI). What you are is a voluntary NGO.

You are a non-profit organisation providing free housing and telecommunications equipment to the less fortunate. You say you are “confused.” About what? The reflection in the sunglasses?

Unless that tycoon was wearing a nametag that said ‘Corporate Team Building Coach,’ I think the HD on that iPhone worked exactly as intended. It showed you the truth, but your brain is still running on a 2G network. And let’s talk about your “cleverness.” You used your brother’s phone to spy on her status?

If you spent half that energy working on your own life instead of being a low-budget detective, maybe you wouldn’t be paying rent for a house where you are the only person who has to knock before entering. You are worried about whether to stop paying rent. Let me put it in language even you might understand: The ‘company’ you are investing in has already been liquidated.

The assets have been stripped. The tycoon you saw in the sunglasses is the new majority shareholder. You are just the liquidator who is being asked to pay the final bills.

‘Fashion jewelry’? My friend, that ring is a ‘Keep Out’ sign, and you are the only one being kept out. Stop wasting my ink with your tales of Lake Malawi.

If she is in Mangochi with a tycoon while you are in Lilongwe typing long letters to me, you aren’t even the side-hustle. You are the operational expense. As for the iPhone, let her keep it.

At least now she can take high-quality photos of your replacement. Close your NGO, stop the funding, and go buy yourself some common sense—though I doubt even NEEF would give you a loan for that, considering your lack of collateral in the brain department. Get a life, and for heaven’s sake, stay off your brother’s phone.

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