Stuck in the middle: A parent’s guide to the tween years

Welcome to the Tween years. This is that “goldilocks” zone of parenting – not quite the “terrible twos” but certainly not the “tumultuous teens” either. It’s a unique, sometimes bewildering bridge.

Defined roughly as the ages between 9 and 11, middle childhood is the ultimate developmental “waiting room.” As the provided research suggests, these kids are no longer the little ones who think you’re a superhero, but they aren’t yet the teenagers who think you’re an embarrassment (though they’re practicing the eye-roll). It is a time of massive shifts – physical, neurological, and social. To help you navigate this transition, let’s break down what is actually happening behind those bedroom doors and how you can support your child through the biggest challenges of the Tween era.

1.The Great Psychological Tug-of-War – Industry vs. Inferiority The psychologist Erik Erikson famously categorized this stage as “Industry vs. Inferiority.” During these years, your child’s primary task is to develop a sense of competence.

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At age five, a child draws a stick figure and expects a standing ovation. At age ten, they look at their drawing, compare it to the classmate’s next to them, and decide whether they “suck at art.” This is the birth of the social mirror. The parent’s role is to shift your praise from results to effort.

Instead of saying “You’re so smart for getting an A,” try “I saw how hard you practiced those flashcards.” Industry is about the doing, not just the winning. Puberty doesn’t necessarily wait for the teen years. For many, especially girls, the physical transformation into an adult body can begin as early as age 10.

This is often a clumsy phase. As limbs grow faster than the brain’s ability to map them, you might notice your once-graceful child suddenly tripping over thin air or knocking over glasses of water. Their bodies are changing, and for a Tween, that feels like a public performance they never auditioned for.

The parent’s role is to keep the lines of communication open and clinical. Normalise the changes before they happen so your child isn’t surprised by their own biology. If you’ve ever wondered why your 10-year-old can explain the complexities of climate change but can’t remember to bring their lunchbox home, you’ve witnessed the Tween Brain Gap.

As the research notes, Tweens are moving beyond concrete thinking (black-and-white, literal) and starting to develop abstract thinking (the big picture). They are becoming more creative and better at problem-solving. However, the prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and planning- is still very much under construction.

The parent’s role is to be their external prefrontal cortex. Don’t expect them to have adult-level organisational skills yet. Use checklists, shared calendars, and gentle reminders.

They aren’t being defiant when they forget their chores; their brain literally dropped the ball. The final piece of the puzzle is emotional development. Because their brains are rewiring and their hormones are surging, Tweens become hyper-aware of their own feelings and, crucially, the feelings of others.

This is the age where frenemies emerge and social hierarchies become rigid. They are learning to manage complex emotions like shame, jealousy, and social anxiety. They are no longer just sad, they are disappointed or lonely.

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