I am the sponsor, he is the groom?

I am writing to you from Zomba and I think my heart is about to stop beating. My scenario seems similar to what someday wrote you last week. For three years, I have been ‘investing in a lady named Chifundo.

I paid her college top-up fees, I bought her a smartphone so we could stay in touch, and I even sent support to her mother in the village every month. Last weekend, I saw a ‘save the date’ flyer on her WhatsApp status. It featured Chifundo and a very tall, dark man in a suit.

When I called her, shaking with rage, she laughed and told me I was being childish. She said the man is just her cousin who is an aspiring model, and they were just doing a rehearsal photoshoot for a wedding magazine. BMW, I want to believe her because I love her, but my friends are laughing at me.

[paywall]

They say I am the sponsor and the cousin is the real owner. Am I being paranoid, or is this a photoshoot I should worry about? You aren’t a Patriotic Sponsor.

You are a National Disaster. I am sitting here wondering how you managed to pay college fees for someone else when you clearly failed the basic entrance exam for Common Sense. You say you want to believe her?

Of course you do. It is easier to believe a lie than to admit that you have been the chief financial officer of a company where you hold zero shares. A ‘rehearsal photoshoot’ with a cousin?

Since when did cousins start looking at each other with the hunger of a man who hasn’t eaten since the 41% devaluation? You are not paranoid; you are just spectacularly blind. If that man is her cousin, then I am the Pope of Rome.

The signs were there, you simpleton. Did she ever invite you to the village to meet that mother you were sending money to? Or did the “network” always fail whenever you suggested a visit?

Did she ever post your face on her status, or were you kept in the archives while the cousin enjoyed the front page? Instead of crying to me about your ‘investment, look at yourself. You thought you could buy love with top-up fees and smartphones.

Love isn’t a commodity you trade on the stock exchange. You provided the data, and she used that same data to WhatsApp the other guy. You bought the phone, and she used it to take photoshoots with the real owner.

I have dealt with many women, and none of them ever dared play photoshoot with me. When I was dating my fifth wife, she tried to tell me a man she was with was her “brother.” I simply took them both out for a lavish dinner, paid the bill, and told the “brother” that since they were family, he should be the one to pay for her next semester’s fees. He vanished faster than a government promise.

Stop being a sponsor and start being a man. If you want to invest, go to the Malawi Stock Exchange. At least there, they give you a certificate of ownership.

In your current relationship, the only certificate you are going to get is a certificate of attendance at her wedding to the cousin. Chakulumani wawa chakuda but your own stupidity stings even more. Close the tap, take back the phone if you can and find a life.

[/paywall]