Last week, I deliberately posted something on my Facebook page, making my stance very clear on the issue of sleepovers between people who are not married to each other. My message was brief: let us give to boyfriends what belongs to boyfriends and to husbands what belongs to husbands. As expected, the reactions were wild.
Some agreed with me, others disagreed. Some were angry. So, let me discuss this matter in a more detailed way.
Marriage comes with certain privileges. I think there is a reason married people are allowed to have sex and live together: their union is sanctioned by God. (I am a believer, by the way.) In my few years on earth, I have seen the consequences of doing things against this natural order.
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Yes, we claim modernity has changed many things. But some things remain the same, one of them being overfamiliarity. There is danger in being ‘over-available’.
When an unmarried woman makes herself too available to a man, visiting too often, spending too many nights and acting like the ‘wife’ to prove she is wife material, it rarely helps. If anything, she might be seen as a cheap version of a wife: someone he can access conveniently without commitment. And even if the relationship eventually turns into marriage, the respect may not be update.
Because the man may interpret the whole auditioning process as desperation. Love and marriage are not supposed to come with auditions. They are a blessing from God, meant to be entered into with intention, responsibility and the guidance of the Creator, not with pressure, performance and a fear of being replaced.
While relationships are processes, marriage is a commitment. We must also remember that not all relationships work. When a woman gives husband-level access to a man who has not committed to her, she risks being left with an emotional burden when the relationship collapses, because she gave it her all, without the security of a covenant.
A relationship is a process of getting to know each other. Marriage is a lifetime commitment where you begin doing everything together as a team. Jumping boundaries and acting like a wife before a man commits dilutes the seriousness of the journey.
Look around: how many girls and women acted like wives, proving they were wife material, only to be dumped and then watch the man marry someone he hardly knew? We must appreciate that space is not a lack of love. Spending too many nights at a man’s place can pressure his resources and freedom.
He may not say it openly, but many young men do not appreciate a partner who becomes too available in the name of kubhebhetsa chikondi. You can love him and still give him space. And here is where I stand firmly: if a man requires you to ‘prove’ you are domestic, by cooking, cleaning and laundering his clothes before marriage, that tells you how he views you.
Not as an equal partner. He is viewing you as a maid-in-training, not a better half.
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