‘You are a bad influence on my partner’

Let’s be honest, every relationship comes with its own challenges. We’re talking differences in lifestyle, food preferences, religious beliefs and all those things that make us unique (and sometimes difficult). But there’s one tricky bit that often sneaks under the radar when love is new and exciting, our partner’s choice of friends.

At the beginning, we tend to overlook it, hoping things will change as the relationship matures. “Maybe he’ll outgrow that rowdy crew,” or “She’ll probably stop hanging out with those girls every weekend once we get serious.” Sounds familiar? Sooner or later, though, the complaints start rolling in.

“Amzake a mamuna/mkazi wanga amamusocheretsa. Kupanda amzakewo, bwenzi pano tili patali.”(My partner’s friends are a bad influence. If it weren’t for them, we’d be so far ahead).

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But while it’s easy and convenient to blame our partner’s friends for whatever mess we’re facing, we forget the person we’re in love with is an adult who makes their own choices. Chances are, the habits and behaviours we’re now fuming about didn’t pop up out of nowhere. They’ve probably been doing this long before we came along.

So expecting someone to suddenly flip a switch and drop their friends and lifestyle just because they’re in a relationship is wishful thinking. Unless they want to change, you’ll just be setting yourself up for disappointment. And let’s not even talk about the idea of confronting your partner’s friends.

It’s almost always a bad move. What you end up doing is painting yourself as the villain, controlling, jealous and trying to steal their friends away. Trust me, they’ll talk about you and not in a good way.

That’s why it’s smart to take time getting to know not just your partner, but their inner circle, before you go all-in. Friendships often reveal the things we don’t say out loud and understanding someone’s social world gives you a clearer picture of what you’re signing up for. If you ever find yourself thinking that your partner’s friends are the root of all your relationship troubles, take a breath.

Talk to your partner. After all, they’re the ones you’re trying to build a life with. Open and honest conversations will get you further than side-eyes and accusations ever will.

Here’s the other thing, what if you were the friend? Imagine someone pointing a finger at you: “You’re a bad influence.” Would that feel fair? We can’t expect to influence someone’s entire social life without first understanding that relationships are not about domination, but collaboration. You’re not there to police your partner’s every move or micromanage their interactions, but grow together.

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