I am writing to you from my usual seat in the front row of the Public Inquiry Playhouse, where our latest national theatre production, The Great Hotelo Chisakalime Sale, is currently receiving rave reviews from those who don’t have to pay for it. My Lord, I have never seen a more moving gathering of patriots assembled in one room, all unified by a single, holy goal: the liberation of the public pension fund from the boring hands of the people who actually worked for it. My Lord, we must pause to applaud the prudence and forward thinking” displayed by our Nyasaland Public Servants Pension Fund.
They relied on the thorough valuation of the highly regarded Efficient and Major (EMJ) Consultants. Now, some legal fundamentalists are complaining that our valuators are a microwave entity whose only crime was forgetting to actually register their firm. If we can maintain this speed, we will not just catch up with Singapore in five years; we will surpass Mars by next Tuesday.
I was deeply disappointed to hear about those professionals who withdrew from the deal because it lacked adequate technical assessments for ‘a significant pension fund investment.’ Imagine having the audacity to refund a colossal K80 million simply because of professional integrity. My Lord, these people clearly don’t understand our local diet. In Nyasaland, we do not eat sacred responsibility for lunch.
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It is far too high in fibre; hard to chew and even harder to digest. Why waste energy on integrity when the Executive, the Legislature and the Judiciary have already demonstrated that they major in the opposite? Integrity is a luxury for those who don’t have an appetite for public funds.
Then we have the Nyasaland Corruption Bureau (NCB). Their performance at the Legislative Council was a masterclass in musical stammering. I must salute the bureau for their refreshing honesty; they admitted they cannot claim to possess skills they simply don’t have.
How could they be expected to professionally handle a multi-billion kwacha investigation, my Lord, when they only bought their surveillance vehicle last week? But rejoice, my Lord! Now that the vehicle is in operation and the fuel tank is presumably full, the bureau has the latitude to conduct a fresh probe into the very deal they cleared in December last year.
In the end, Hotelo Chisakalime is a prized asset. It doesn’t matter if the price tag is high enough to fund two entire ministries. Since when did expertise become a requirement for spending public money?
If we waited for expertise, we would never buy anything but salt and matches. The goal is simple: own the hotel now and let the retirees of 2066 figure out if the rooms have running water or if the roof still exists. My Lord, I am currently looking for an Efficient and Major consultant to value my own bicycle. I prefer someone unregistered, incredibly fast and willing to work for a patriotic fee that includes no questions asked.
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