Opinion | ANC’s final act begins

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. We are now coming towards the end of the ANC’s local government show. Yes, it has been running for 30 years, and yes, it has been rather long but as your compère tonight, I can assure you: we are entering the finale.

Under the starry night sky of Johannesburg — the epicentre of municipal failure — we have seen it all. Poverty thrives in the towers of Hillbrow, while a few suburbs away, dishevelled moms pushing prams followed by labradors wash their hair in the rain as if this is normal, and temporary, maybe permanent, and someone else’s fault. Because Joburg, the last scene in the show, for all its concrete and brutality, will be the heart of South Africa’s local government election come November.

Come rain, shine and ruthless crime. Yes, in Act One we had “the fixer” and “the champion of the working class”, Fikile “Razzmatazz” Mbalula, crying for water repairs in Bryanston while blaming the same working class for the crisis. Yes, we felt the pain of Premier Panyaza “Undercover Boss” Lesufi, forced to take out the government credit card and book yet another hotel room just to have a shower.

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And yes, we have endured a shallow Minister of Water, whose name warrants no mention, so out of her depth she wanted nothing more than to “wash my hands” clean after touching the filth of the unwashed of Johannesburg. All of this showmanship has been aided and abetted by Jozi Mayor Dada “I can’t fix Joburg” Morero, whose performance has been so weak that even his own party agents want nothing to do with him. This cast of characters has awed, stunned and repulsed us.

Yet none has been as consistently “shocked and surprised” as their producer, director, and benefactor of unearned government salaries — the man who has starred in The Million Dollar Couch; The Good, The Bad and the Mine Magnate Grifter; and Jurassic Park: Chameleon-in-Chief. President Cyril Ramaphosa. In all my years of presenting this awe-inspiring, death-defying, courage-intoxicating story called South Africa, have I ever come across a man able to stand so upright without the support of a backbone, speak with so little conviction, and yet somehow still say nothing at all?

A miracle this unique is only eclipsed by that one-time South African politician who wanted a commission of inquiry into where lightning comes from. Ramaphosa’s final curtain call will not be remembered for “brave acts” of foreign policy. His name will not be written in the clouds.

It will end around 2027 in a cough and a splutter, when cadres become coroners. As this curtain draws to a close on the once-grand story of the ANC, we can assure you: the production house is already working on spin-off series.

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