Research indicates that couples who maintain personal identities alongside shared experiences report higher satisfaction in their relationships. There’s a tension many people aren’t ready for: loving someone deeply, yet quietly feeling invisible. It shows up in the small moments.
The Valentine’s Day you brushed off as commercial. The hobby you tolerated but never really respected. The decision you made without looping them in because, technically, it didn’t feel like a big deal.
And then comes the question that lands like a punch: “Did you even consider me?” According to Johannesburg-based psychologist Sanam Naran, this is where most relationship breakdowns begin, not with betrayal, but withemotional misattunement. “One of the things I see most in couples therapy,” Naran explains, “is how often one person says, ‘This matters to me,’ and the other person doesn’t quite understand the weight of that statement.” In other words, the issue isn’t the flowers. It’s what the flowers represent.
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The real red flag isn’t the difference; it’s dismissal. Scroll through TikTok, and you’ll find playful trends like the “mean girl, soft boy” dynamic girlfriends hyping up their boyfriends’ obscure plant collections or gaming obsessions. It’s cute.
It’s exaggerated. But beneath the humour is something serious: emotional support in relationships. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who “turn toward” each other’s bids for attention, small requests for interest, affirmation, or shared joy, build stronger long-term bonds.
Ignoring or minimising those bids erodes trust over time. But here’s the nuance Naran brings: showing up doesn’t mean self-abandonment.
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