Meet ‘Homo relaxus’ in the wild

Woman relaxing on pink flamingo inflatable ring. Picture for illustration: iStock I recently spent a weekend at a holiday resort, floating in a hot-water swimming pool like a lazy crouton in a human soup, and made a few discoveries about the species known asHomo relaxus. It turns out, when you boil people gently in 24ºC water, their true nature bubbles to the surface.

Humans lose all sense of personal space when submerged. There I was, minding my own business in a tranquil corner, when a stranger decided to drift over and start a conversation about his cholesterol. Every time I tried to paddle away, he floated closer – like a friendly but determined manatee.

Within five minutes, I knew his medical history, his ex-wife’s opinions on jacuzzi etiquette and the fact that he once met a cousin of someone who’d seen Johnny Clegg in real life. Every pool has one: the person who treats the pool’s bubble button like a DJ deck. Just as you start to relax,whooooosh!– the entire pool erupts like a geyser.

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Then silence. Then anotherwhooooosh… on repeat every 30 seconds. They grin proudly, as if they’re contributing to global joy, while the rest of us cling to the edge like storm survivors.

Children have infinite energy – even in 24ºC water. I watched, astonished, as three small humans transformed the peaceful lazing zone into a scene fromBaywatch: The Prequel.

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