A 34-year-old man was arrested this week after allegedly pretending to be a baby in order to receive free kisses from unsuspecting mothers in public spaces. According to witnesses, the fully grown man—measuring a suspicious 1.8 meters tall and sporting a beard that screamed tax-paying adult—was found lying in a stroller at a local mall, wrapped in a blanket and making aggressive “goo-goo ga-ga” noises. “He was very convincing at first,” said one mother.
“Until the baby asked for a Wi-Fi password and complained about inflation.” Police reports state that the suspect would roll up to moms, stare intensely, then extend his arms while puckering his lips—classic baby behaviour, except for the fact that he also asked if they were “single” in between naps. Shoppers became suspicious when the so-called infant rejected mashed banana, demanded a double cheeseburger, and complained that his lower back was “acting up again.” “He cried like a baby, yes,” said a security guard. “But real babies don’t cry about unpaid car insurance.” Authorities say the man carried multiple disguises, including oversized diapers, a pacifier connected to a Bluetooth device, and a onesie labeled ‘Mama’s Little Tax Deduction’.
Investigators also found anti-wrinkle cream and a gym membership card hidden inside the stroller. When confronted, the suspect allegedly defended himself, saying, “A kiss is a kiss. Love has no age limit.
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Also, babies don’t pay rent.” Psychologists have described the case as “a cry for help” and “the strongest argument yet for ID checks at stroller level.” The man now faces multiple charges, including Impersonating an Infant, Crimes Against Common Sense, and Unlawful Use of ‘Baby Voice’ After Puberty. At press time, lawmakers were reportedly considering new legislation requiring all babies over six months old to show proof of birth certificate, soft skull, and inability to pronounce the word “responsibility.” As for the unsuspecting moms, many say they are recovering well—though some admit they now look at real babies with suspicion. “If a baby asks me for my number again,” one mother said, “I’m calling the police immediately.”
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