AT the end of the year, many families reunite to enjoy time together. These times can be happy, yet sometimes they reveal tensions, unsatisfied needs and difficult relationships. The reality is that being together does not necessarily mean you are connected.
Families can be both joyful and anguished or distressed at the same time. These contradictions are brought into focus during festive periods. They show just how strong the ties of a family are, and remind us that family life is not just a social structure but a continuous practice of connecting and caring.
In our work at theCentre of Interdisciplinary Studies of Children, Families and Societyat the University of the Western Cape in South Africa, we pose what seems on the surface a very simple question: what do families do to not only survive, but thrive together? We find repeated themes in our research: families thrive (or do well) whentrustis fostered, whencareis given and when all members feel theybelong. Family cohesion enables individuals to feel safe and connected.
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It is not about being perfect or agreeing always, but being able to trust and get along with each other. These virtues are not something to be assumed. An example is trust, which is not automatic.
It is constructed gradually, by respecting each other, the consistency of a present caregiver, the fairness of shared tasks, the assurance that a person’s voice is heard. In cases where trust breaks down, families tend to say that they feel uncertain, or even unsafe, in their own homes. Yet when trust is strong, it creates the invisible thread which helps families to survive change.
Our studies show that disagreement can coexist with closeness, provided families have ways to repair relationships after tension. One parent in ourresearchsaid it best:We fight, we cry, but we still sit together for supper. We fight, we cry, but we still sit together for supper.
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