Zimbabwe is a nation living through a political horror movie written as slapstick comedy. Each week brings new plot twists, fresh actors, and louder stupidity, but this past week outperformed itself. It was the week our ruling elite demonstrated—boldly, proudly, and without shame—that governance in Zimbabwe has been fully outsourced to clowns, mercenaries, coke-fuelled tenderpreneurs, and a President who believes tobacco is a public health miracle.
Gerald Mutumanje, alias Acie Lumumba — Zimbabwe’s freelance mouth-for-hire — re-emerged to perform his national duty: polishing Mnangagwa’s shoes with his tongue while narrating fake economic miracles. He unveiled “ten-figure tobacco earnings” supposedly flowing into Zimbabwe after Mnangagwa commissioned Simon Rudland’s processing plant. Ten figures!
A dazzling pile of theoretical wealth — the kind that collapses if you ask, Yes. After all the hype, the economic revolution is the price of a cheap Mazoe. Meanwhile, the President, who was expected to at least pretend to understand value addition, instead invited a random man to testify that smoking is safe because his friend puffed 35 cigarettes a day and lived to 116.
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And from this, Mnangagwa declared: “You heard him! Go ye out and smoke!” Just like that, public health was downgraded to street folklore, and tobacco became the new national vitamin.
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